Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Xplaination....Good One

Sometimes u just cant Xplain...

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. 

A man comes in and asks the farmer,

 

"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

 

" The farmer says,

 

"Some things you just can't explain."

 

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.

 

The farmer then decides to try and answer,

 

"Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.

 

Just as I got the bucket about full,

 

she took her left leg and kicked it over."

 

 

That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"

 

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

 

"Try me" the man says.

 

 

The farmer relenting, continued

 

"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.

 

Then I sat down and continued to milk her.

 

Just as I got the bucket about full

 

she took her right leg and kicked it over."

 

 

"Ok so 2 buckets of milk spilled. That still isn't that bad."

 

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

 

 

" So, what did you do then?"

 

the man asked, intrigued.

 

 

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

 

I sat back down and continued to milk her,

 

and just as I got the bucket just about full,

 

the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

 

 

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!"

 

but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

 

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

 

"So then what else did you do?"

 

the man asked again. "

 

Well I didn't have any more rope,

 

so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

 

That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

 

 

"Like I said! Some things you just can't explain."


--

Venky Parody Scene. (In Telugu)

Venky Parody Scene.....Enjoy only for YSR fans...

Naku venky train taagi brahmi ni kotte comedy scene parody cheyalanpistondi like dis
Raviteja-YS Jagan
Brahmi - VH gaadu
AVS-- KK gadu
YSJagan, KVP, Ambati n his co is enjoying the party...then this VH came, then
VH: "Stop...Stop...wat u people r thinking? Is it congress party or local party"... ani Jagan ni choostoo..." Mee nanna laa descipline ga undalevaa nuvvu " ani antaadu
Jagan: "Orey nee avataaraaniki nuvvu maatlaade maatalaku emanna polika undatraaa"
VH: "Hey...Hey...Avataaraaniki...deeniki sambandamentoye..." anagaane...
YSJagan okati peekutaadu....
VH: "Enti kottava?"
Jagan: "Em doubt aa?" ani malli inkokati peekutaadu
VH:"Confirm ...Naku Delhi lo pani undi...nenu vastaanu sir..."
Jagan: "Rey aagu...neetho pani undi...."
VH:" Ante delhi lo high command tho pani undi ..... bagaa..anduku"
Jagan:"Naku ikkada pani ledu...Ikkada undu.. " anee...
Jagan:"Avunu raa...Nenu Khammam lo Sonia plexies ni chimpeyinchana...."
VH: "Ledandi..."
Jagan: okati peeki..."Mari monna annavu..."
Jagan:"Nenu,KVP groups encourage chestunnama?..."
VH:"Ane untaa....naku kovvu ekkuva konchem..."
Jagan: okati peeki..." Era..naku OMC lo vaata undani,BJP vaallatho link undani...Income tax raids cheyinchamani chebutaavu raa...."
Ani peekulu meeda peekutaadu... Taruvaata
Jagan: "Rey .. aa gajini
(Bcoz 20 days back he(KK) told that he dont know JAGAN) gaadini rammanu raa .."
VH:"Evaru... KK gaara..." anagaane okati peekutaadu...ventane
VH:"Sir..naku teleeka adugutaanu...ipudu enduku peekaaro telsukovachaa..." ani

Jagan:" AA gajini gaadini KK gaaru annanduku..."
VH: "arey Gajini ..arey Gajini.... babu rammantunnadu...."
KK:"Emiti VH, emiti Jagan rammante veltaava? "
VH:"Ipudu situation veru KK ji,"
KK:"Emiti VH, Emiti paristithi veru..Nenu choopistaagaa...." ani vastaadu...
Jagan:" Rey raaraa... Gajini gaa.. "
KK:"Nannu raa antaava... nenemi VH gadini kaadu... emi chestavo choostaanu antaadu..."
Jagan:"Emitraa rechipotunnavu...."
KK:"AH..Rechipoka..Emi chestaave enti?em kodataava?"
Jagan:"Entra..Ninnu kottalante pedda aalochinchala.. " ani okati peeki…
Jagan:"Choosaava…enta simple yo…avunu raa neeku west bengal Incharge padavi anta avasaramaa raa neeku?"
KK:"Nachaledaa sir meeku?"
Jagan:"Parama chandaalam gaa undi…First resign cheyi…."
KK:"Next time guarantee ga resign chestaanu sir…"

All these time KVP,Ambati all r watching the show n fully njoys the show…


--

Monkey in the Plane

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!

--

Discoveries and Inventions by Men and Women

Discoveries and Inventions by Men and Women

Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things… While Women STUCK to shopping.



Fake Encounter


Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles.

The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.

The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town:

"PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."

--

Stupid Questions N Perfect Answers!


Are you chewing gum?

"No, I'm John Smith."



"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."

"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"



"What are you going to be when you graduate?"

"An old man"



"I spent three years in college taking medicine."

"Are you well now?"



"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"

"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."


"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."


"Who wants to eat friends?"



"We are having mother for dinner, darling."

"Make sure she's well done."



"I want some rat poison."

"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"



"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."

"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."



"May I hold your hand?"

"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."



"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"

"No, sir, only when it rains."



"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"

"Why? Is it tilted?"



"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"

"No, you'll have to walk"



"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"

"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."



"I have changed my mind."

"Thank heavens! Does it work better now?"



"Would you like your coffee black?"

"What other colors do you have


--

Does Management know their Staff?


Does Management know their Staff?

On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing..

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such apersonal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!

Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies to everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

Nice Message.... Dont Miss IT


A worried woman went to her gynaecologist and said:

  'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My
baby is not even 1 yr. old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids
so close together.'

  So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?'

  She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your
help with this.'

  The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to
the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem.  It's
less dangerous for you too.'

  She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

  Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take
care of 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms.
This way, you could rest some before the other one is born.  If we're
going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There
would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.

  The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a
crime to kill a child!
  'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be ok with it, so
I thought maybe that was the best solution.  The doctor smiled,
realizing that he had made his point.

  He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child
that's already been born and one that's still in the womb. The crime
is the same!

  If you agree, please forward. Together we can help save precious lives!



The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and
miles to go before I sleep "Robert Frost"

--

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Japan Fast? Indian Very Very Fast

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!The Japanese exclaimed, "What??… so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

The Patient Poor Man


There was a rich old noble who lived in a great palace. There also lived nearby a poor man in a dilapidated hut, who subsisted on crumbs of food cast away by others. But he was ever cheerful, and never complained of his ill-luck.

Once it so happened that the poor man had nothing to eat for a long while. So he went to the rich noble for help. The old noble received him kindly and asked what for he had come. The poor man said that for days he had nothing to eat and that he would be happy if he was given some food. "Is that all!" said the noble.

"Come, sit down!" Then he called-out; "Boy! A very important guest has come to dine with me. Ask the chief to make ready the dinner at once, and bring some water to wash our hands."

The poor man was surprised. He had heard that the noble was a very kind man, but he did not expect such a ready welcome. He was all praise about his host. The noble at once interrupted him and said, "Don't mention it, my friend. Let us sit down for the feast." And the old noble began to rub his hands as if some water was poured on them and asked the poor man why he did not wash his hands.

The poor man found no boy or water but decided that he should do what he was told, and so he pretended to wash his hands likewise. "Now let us sit down to dinner," said the noble, and began to order various delicious dishes. But there was no trace of any food or even a single bearer.

Then the noble said to the poor man, "We have such wonderful feast before us. Enjoy yourself, my friend. You must finish all these fine dishes." And the noble pretended to eat from imaginary plates.

The poor man was faint with hunger, but kept his wits. He did not allow despair to overcome him. He also pretended to eat from the empty table. The noble now and then exclaimed, "What a delicious soup! The curry is wonderful, isn't it my friend?" The poor man replied, "Sure, sure!" "Then why not have some more," and the noble pretended to dish out some imaginary curry. Likewise, he pressed more and more imaginary dishes on the poor man and asked him if they tasted all right.

Though desperately hungry, the poor man thanked his host profusely and said that he had never eaten such a glorious feast in his life. He did not betray a sign of remorse. He kept on maintaining the face cheerfully without the least affectation, as though everything was real.

The noble was a generous person. He was a man of charitable disposition. He wanted to test whether the poor man would give way to despair. He had heard of his reputation that he never lost patience. He thought that such a contented, cheerful person as this poor man should not starve and suffer from poverty. But he had his doubts. So he himself wanted to test him. Now he found that, all that was said about him was true.

The noble then clapped his hands and a retinue of servants came in with all the delicious dishes he had been mentioning. An elaborate dinner was laid on the table. This time the poor man did not have to pretend. He now ate heartily with the noble.

After they had finished their meals, the noble said, "Friend, you are a man of infinite patience. You know well how to make best of everything and bear adversity cheerfully. You are the man I was looking for to manage one of my farms. You should live with me hereafter."

Thereupon the poor man did not have to suffer any more from poverty.

This story has several lessons for the common man to learn. When the poor man went to the rich man, he did not ask for any charity so that he might dispense with begging for some days. This shows that he was not greedy. He lived in the present. He wanted some food and he asked for only that. Now, if he had asked for some money, he would have got it, and would have spent it in a few days, only to revert back to his former poverty. He did not ask any more than what he needed immediately, and this paved the way for his good luck in being employed in the rich man's farm.

When the poor man was harassed by his host with imaginary dishes, he did not lose his patience in spite of his extreme hunger. If he had done so, he would have been asked to get out and would have lost his dinner as well as his unforeseen appointment.

He did not either complain about his ill-luck or bewail his misfortune as an ordinary beggar would have done before a rich man.

Hence the moral is that one must be patient and make the best of everything. One should learn to bear adversity cheerfully, do one's best, pray to God, and trust in His grace. One should never complain about one's misfortune. As one soweth so one reapeth. Hence there is no use in bewailing ill luck. One must learn how to master courage and build one's destiny through self-effort.

Patience is golden. Without patience life will be a total failure. One important point in this story is that when one goes to somebody for any favour, one should be prepared, to nod to his tune, if anything is to be expected from him.

Greed and the Grace of God cannot live together. Where there is greed, there good luck can hardly exist. One should learn to live in the present, and ask for nothing more than one's due.

With patience, cheerfulness, contentment and amiable disposition one should learn to make the best of the circumstances one is situated in.

Honest HR Question & their Answers

Honest HR Question n their Answers
If we were to Honestly reply to all the HR Questions they would go something like this (wondering what d reaction of d Interviewer wud b!):

1. Why did you apply for this job?
A: I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now...
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
A: I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind ...

3. Why should I hire you?
A: You anyways have to hire some one, you may give me a try ...

4. What would you do if we hire you?
A: Well, it depends on my mindset but I will try to work on whatever is allotted to me ...

5. What is your biggest strength?
A: Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company...
6. What is your biggest weakness?
A: Girls (I like dis one!)...
7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
A: Joining my earlier company and learn that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today! ...

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
A: Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there...

9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
A: Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that...

10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
A: For the same reason why you left your earlier job... More money!...

11. What do you want from this job?
A: Even if no work is given, keep giving good hikes ...

12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
A: Make more money and for that, keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs...

13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
A: Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website ...

14. What is the salary expected and how do u justify that?
A: Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30% !!!!)

Four Management Lessons


* Lesson Number One *

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


* Lesson Number Two *

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


* Lesson Number Three *

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the sh*t!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be Boss, any asshole will do!


* Lesson Number Four *

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard he bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons Summary:

1. Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3. When you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!