Sardar Collections - 3

Sardar as the Railway Driver

A train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated
from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the
tracks. The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the
driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar . He was questioned .
He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not
moving from there even after lots of honks etc .

Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to save life of one
person you put life of so many passengers under danger.You should have
overran that person .

Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot started
running towards the field when the train came very close.

*****

Examination



Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final
examination which consists of Y/N type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his
wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the
answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is
all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour". "But yaar", he says,
"I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I
wrote."

****

Biography of a Sardar

Read this biography of a sardar

When God passed out looks,
I thought He said books, and I didn't want any.
When God passed out ears,
I thought He said beers, and I asked for two long ones.
When God passed out legs,
I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones.
When God passed out noses,
I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one.
When God passed out heads,
I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big soft one.
When God passed out brains,
I thought he said trains, and I missed mine.
****

Businessmen



There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start
a business. They had a lot of discussions on the type
of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They
selected the best of locations and cooks and built the
hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its
first customer. The sardars waited and waited but
nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day.
A week passed but nobody turned up. WHY ? -B'coz there
was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed"

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start
an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing
equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars
waited that day for the first car to arrive butno car
entered their garage. WHY ?

B'coz their garage was on the first floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the
good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier
Padmini running on CNG and began to look for
passengers. They drew past Church Gate but nobody
hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet
nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati
Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi.
In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai
but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY ?

B'coz all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.

All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb an
decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines.
They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole
day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move
even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and
start the next day. The next day the story repeated
itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a
whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge. WHY ?

B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.

*****

Surd Freedom Fighters



Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab.

Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a difficult question indeed.

Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."

All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????"


****

Surds Moms Letter



Pyaaaray Puttar,

Vahe Guru. I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last sardar who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetary. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.

Your Uncle Jatinder fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. the driver got out- he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned as the couldn' get the gate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom


****

Brain Tumor



There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on.
The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its marriage baraat.
So one of them asks Dheer Singh, "Singh Saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?"
.....comes the reply, "Haan ji! Hai hi baat badi kushi ki!!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar "brain" tumour se mara hai!!!"
****

Santa goes to heaven

Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed,santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. "You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

****

Kidnapping Sardar



There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,"I've kidnapped you."The Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground". Signed, "A Sardarji"

The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji?!"

****

Sardar at railway Station



Our Sardar, one day is at the railway station.
He asks one man "When will Rajdhani Express go from here"?

Man Replies 12.30.

"When will Punjab Express go from here"?

Man Replies 10.30.
"When will Deccan Queen go from here"?Man Replies 12.30.

Thus the sardar goes on asking for all the trains.

Now the man gets fed up and asks whether he wants to go to punjab by
train or not. Sardar replies, "NO. I only want to cross the tracks!"
****

Sardar at Woolworths's



Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths's (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat
food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Santa to show
him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the
cat food.
Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.
The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will
probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have
dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week Banta comes to Woolworth's with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The
Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: "What! This is shit!" Banta
calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"
****

Cricket Fans



Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics. They decided that whoever dies
first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the cricket scenario in the heaven.
Santa Singh dies first. One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was
eager to know about cricket there. "So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?" Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have
good news and bad news. The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night tournament
here in heaven. And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tommorrow's match!"
****

Buying a horse



Banta and Santa buy one race horse each after learning about big money in racing. Says Banta, "How do we
identify which horse is mine and which one is yours?" Santa Singh replies, "I will cut the tail of my horse and
so the horse without a tail will be mine and the one with a tail will be yours." So they cut the tail of the horse.
But in the night their naughty kids cut the tail of the other horse too. And the next day
Banta Singh is worried and says, "I will cut one of the ears of my horse so the horse with one ear will be mine
and the other one will be yours." The next night the kids cut the other horse's ears too. And so it goes on until
the horses lost their ears, eyes, had broken noses etc. And in the end both horses were left only with bare legs
and were just barely living. Both Santa and Banta were frustrated.
At last Banta says, "BAHUT HO GAYA. SAFED WALA GHORA MERA, KALA WALA TERA"
*****

Sardar's body pain



Santa Singh went to the Doctor and complained that he was aching all over.
"Where exactly are you hurting?", asked the doctor.
Santa Singh replied, "All over my body, Doctor." He touched his left hand with his forefinger, "It hurts when I
touch here". He touched his right leg. "It hurts here also." He touched his back, arms, stomach - everywhere
and said it hurt in all places.
The doctor took some x-rays and said, "Santa Singh! I've caught your problem! You have a sprain in your
forefinger!"
****

Parents

Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their
parents achievements to each other.
Santa singh : 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'
Banta singh : 'Yes, I have'
Santa singh : 'Well, my father dug it.'
Banta singh : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead
sea?'
Santa singh : 'Yes, I have.'
Banta singh : 'Well, my father killed it.'
****

The three Convicts

Three convicts escaped from prison. One was a Madrasi, one a Gujarati,
and one a Sardar. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn
where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up,
they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for
camouflage.

About an hour later the Prison Warden and his assistant came into the barn. The
warden told his assistant to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got
up there the warden asked him what he saw and the assistant yelled back,
"Just three gunnysacks."

The warden told him to find out what was in them, so the assistant kicked the
first sack, which had the Madrasi in it. He went, "Bow-wow", so the assistant
told the warden there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the Gujarati in it. He went, "Meow", so
the assistant told the warden there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the Sardar in it, and there was no sound at
all. So he kicked it again, and finally the Sardar said, "Potatoes".
****

Bargaining



One sardar came to Madras and wanted to do shopping in Burma Bazaar. His Tamilian friend told the sardar that the prices will be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price .
Sardar went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs.
Sardar asked for Rs.1000.
The vendor told he can give for Rs.1800 for which sardar told no,no only Rs.900.
Vendor told ok , i will give it for 1500 Rs for which sardar bargained for Rs.750.
It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation said
"I will give you the stereo free of cost."
The sardar asked "Will you give two?"
*****

Sardar in Multi National Company



A Sardarji joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone,
"Abey saale! Get me a coffee quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,
"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension!
Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

The Sardarji shouted back,
"And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No.", replied the Managing Director.

"Good!", replied the Sardarji and put down the phone!
****

The Kiss

Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes between India and Pak.

In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. They hear a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.

When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier, he'd rather kiss that old woman than me."

The Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped."

And Santa Singh is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Pakistani soldier."

*****

Sardar Pilots



Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the states. They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot scream
"the runway is ending...".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air...
They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again
"Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...".
The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again...
This goes on again and again...
During their eighth descent the pilot says :
"Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway.."
"I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...."

*****

The Tunnel Joke


Everybody knows the famous under creek/sea tunnel joining England and France.
Before it's construction, the tenders were invited from various construction companies by giving newspaper ads throughout the world.
Banta Singh came across one such ad and he decided to fill the tender. On the day of opening the tenders everybody was surprised to find Banta Singh's tender at it's very lowest. Ohere tenders were quoting billions of pounds, Banta Sing had offered to do the job for just 10000 pounds.
Now , as per the rule Banta was to get the contract. Before giving works order to Banta Singh, the officer asked BantaSingh as to how he could afford to work at such a low budget.
Banta Singh said,"look, back home, there is my brother, Santa Singh.I will call him here. We will take two shovels. I will start diging from English bank and Santa Singh will start digging from French bank. The moment we meet, you get a tunnel."
The dumbstruck officer asked with courage," and if you don't meet?"
Banta Singh replied," then you will get two tunnels in same cost."

*****

Flag Pole

Santa Singh and Banta Singh get a contract to paint a flagpole. While trying to compute the area, so they'll know how much paint to buy, Santa stands on Banta 's shoulders and stretches to reach the top to compute the height. His reach is short by several inches. So, Banta says maybe if they switch positions, because he's taller maybe he can touch the top. (???) They switch positions and naturally he can't touch the top, either.

While sitting, pondering another approach to computing the area, a weight lifter comes by. Santa and Banta explain their problem. The weightlifter goes over, wrestles the flagpole out of its socket, lays it down, measures it from bottom to top, gives them the figure, then manhandles the flagpole back into its cement socket and walks off.

Santa looks at Banta, then says, "Now isn't that weightlifter awfully stupid! You ask him the height and he gives you the length of the pole!"
****

Chess



Santa Singh is Flying from Moscow to Delhi. To his surprise, sitting right beside
him is Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion. Santa has always been in awe
of Chess players, and immediately starts up a conversation with Gary about the
Nuances of the Game etc. Gary says ... "How would You like to Play me for $ 500/
US"?

Santa: "But you're too damn good".

Gary: "I'll play left handed".

Santa cant resist the bet and accepts. Kasparov, Check Mates our Sardar in 8
Moves .......

Santa is still scratching his head, as he leaves the airplane.

Upon Reaching Amritsar, Santa tells Banta about the game he had with
Kasparov.

Banta: "Tu bhi pura buddhu hai Santa". (You're an absolute fool Santa)
Santa: "kyon" (why)?

Banta: Gary Kasprov is a lefty yaar!
****

Sardar and Mileage



A sardar from Delhi had an old car which had run for over a
1,00,000 kilometres. He wanted to sell it, but was not getting a
good price because of its excess mileage.
He approached a Madrasi friend of his and asked for help.
The Madrasi gave him an address in Chennai (Madras) and asked
him to visit a mechanic there. The mechanic would adjust the
meter so that it shows only 30,000 kilometres.
The sardar thanked him and left for Madras. For a few days,
the Madrasi didn't see the sardar. He assumed that the sardar
would have sold the car.
A few weeks later, the sardar came to see the Madrasi in
the same car. The Madrasi was surprised and asked - "What
happened? Why have you not sold your car yet?"
The sardar replied - "Why should I? It has run for only
30,000 kilometres
****
--
******************************************************
I may not be perfect at what to do but perfect at what not to do!
******************************************************